Updates… no more Latuda, E.C.T. and Elysium

So just a post to let you know that I’m alive.  I am no longer on Latuda.  Also I am off of Wellbutrin.   Those are just not medicines that help my brain chemistry.  I’m off of almost all of my meds now, actually.  I use “Balance” by doTERRA.  Plus, lately I have been getting ECT treatments.  The most recent one was yesterday morning.  It takes around 48  to 72 hours to begin to have a positive effect so my job from now until Monday is to keep myself distracted and off of the idea that I really would like the next 35 to 40 years to pass on by very quickly.

The V.I.P. Theatre

Plush, big leather recliners with set seating and small tables for real lunch.

SO today, my husband has already gone to work until midnight and this morning I teach a violin lesson.  Then, my sweet mom will take me to a movie at what is called a V.I.P. (not R.I.P.) theatre here in the land of luxury theatres. I think the movie is called “Elysium”.  So that should be fun.  Then we might drive up to a ski resort and take the tram.  It should be much cooler (in both senses of the word).  Tram                                                             I have had 8 ECT’s so far in two separate groups and if I need more, I just call my doctor on Monday and let him know.  I let others give me an object report on my moods and actions in order to make that decision.  So if I’m still crying hysterically, following my husband around all day and being morbid, then I might just have another treatment.  If life is tolerable, then I will just visit him on Friday instead.

My husband and parents and myself are all going on a vacation soon so I hope to have everything finished in time for that.  Otherwise, I feel sorry for them having to be around me for a whole 7 days.  Yuck.

P.S. Elysium is FAR too violent a movie for a person who is as psychotically depressed as I am.  Buyer Beware.

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Love – for Elizabeth and Victoria

You are amazing! you have this big spark, this quick flash of a brilliance like shining scales of a fish flaring up in the sun light and it SPLASH whoosh deeep under the water and down down you go
Bubbles bubbles inside
Only better because YOU are
Magical you with the
AWesome and wonderful, imageyernation it has all the power that’s given to you, you know all of
that breath of a lifting soul used to ignite all the others infinite energy with your deep under down knowledge of truthful and good just so
HAPPY so happy the tracers repeating up Up into all the air higher just be the flare as you share do or dare reflecting everything in the deep hot sun, just spray water straight up up shooting as high as it may with this rainbow cloud droplets all dribbling play as they splat on each other this brightness incredible beautiful joy as they catch the gold genius the genus of gooey the glow of it grow all it until all the seeds are giant and rooted
being ever so humble yet go go go GO GO shine they find their most purposeful usefulness in deed and in kind and in word and in thought full and action it POW with the now of it knowing that this instant bursting and busting its seams and it seams to be create and relate the giving tree popping like poppyseeds dandy flow lion puff off it goes over and sail across oceans and moons to the wisps of an angel flight wing and they tumble might mind slipping find the light blind missing flap doodle never is grey I don’t care all the shades of it’s dumb book and pray that we all have as many and big as the colors of May even BIGGER because this is Windego fire with leave the bees please they are peaceful and center full plentiful going with in and with out all apull junction stress full of function but why knot? we try not I sigh not no never will ever I step on
your toes.

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Day doesn’t matter :)

Well OK. The little experiment with LATUDA didn’t work and so I’m OFF of that drug. And off of Wellbutrin.  But you saw that coming.  Now I am out of the Hospital still getting out patient ECT. Electro Convusive Shock Treatment.  If I survive this mornings, it will be the 6th.  I’m very anxious about it, hungry and thirsty and cannot eat prior to surgery.  45 minutes till we have to go.  Scared.  I hate this.

I am not what I do.

I am not what I make.

I yam what I yam.

and I ain’t what I ain’t.

Popeye, Dr. Seuss, John Prine and me.

Look, now- not one of you has my context, understands my life, knows the details and the sum of which and how I am greater than the whole of it’s parts! J’ya know what I mean? I love you, don’t get me wrong but honestly you know, it’s all out of place here -brightly lit and pixelated in English. Juggling so much…. I just…. Can’t. Who am I to cry? Who am I to share? I’m certain you all have much more important things to do, see, read for instance http://wellcallmecrazy.wordpress.com/2013/02/16/blog-for-mental-health-2013/. There’s a good read. Me? Well. no.

Thanks for dropping by.  

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Day 15 effects of Latuda

I’m dizzy and my chest feels tight and scary. My husband is gone for the day. I am all alone which is a big anxiety thing for me. I finally called my Mom to take me to a clinic. Not an E.R. They cost too much. Dad won’t come. So I’ll write more whenDing Dong the witch is dead. I get to the Doctor’s place. They have wifi. So far I’d say Latuda isn’t working very well for me. for me. Trileptal is though. He was right. I needed a mood stabilizer, that’s all. I’m glad he told me that I needed more Trileptal. I’m so glad because I’m not depressed anymore. I keep drinking water.

Home from Docs ( Dr. Hooper woefully uneducated about hyponatremia). My salt level is 129 when it should beat the lowest, 137. She was worried but could do nothing but tell me to drink Gatorade and eat salty food!? Um lady…
Here right here ….

Anyway, I feel stupid for doing that. It felt good at the time. Then in the morning, it just sucked like Life. If I had one close friend, or someone besides my therapist. Dang, you know my doc is smart he will figure out that this was a suicide attempt ( my message is pending his finishing up patients ). Then I will have to go to the hospital. Looney Bin. The Nut Hut. Zoiks I don’t want to go!! If you don’t hear from me for about a week, then that’s what happened. I’ll see if I can remember NOT to bring Pajamas with the tie through things at the waist this time. You’d think by now I would have it figured out. Damn it! Please don’t figure it out Doctor, be tired and don’t see it as a suicide attempt. Tomorrow morning I think Im supposed to see my therapist. What am I supposed to tell her. ( Victoria from Revenge quoting Shakespeare ” Oh what a tangled web we weave…” She wouldn’t finish it )

Here is something to watch … if you want to. gotta go. see ya. :(

P.S. Dad did come and he bought me all the stupid Gatorade’s I’m supposed to be drinking. Cheers.

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Day 14

SO, as predicted yesterday, good ole DOC put me on MORE Wellbutrin also marketed as bupropion which is actually what I take.  One 150 mlg. in the morning, one at night.  Fun fun fun.  Then he said I am not on a Mood Stabalizer-  Except Trileptal (Oxcabezapine) which he wanted to UP but I REMINDED him of my low sodium problem.  I can only take a low dosage of Trioleptal because I have dangerously low sodium naturally.  No it can’t be fixed by eating more salt (you’d think) but there is no fix.   Hyponatremia will kill you. I walk the narrow path there with Psych docs arguing with PCP’s.

A Ha!!!   I’ve got it!   This time I’ve really got it!!!!   OK, recently I can only get cheered up for small amounts of time from external circumstances.  Or I’m crying.  Yep no mood stabilized indeed.

Now I know, Andrew Pudewa told me that

 Happiness as a result of one’s circumstances in life isn’t really cutting it anyway

Then Flute Julie changed it to

 Happiness ONLY as a result of one’s circumstances in life is not really cutting it. (period)

Hmmm. maybe I could get a new career as a social worker and get paid for what I do basically anyway.  Nah.  I’m bad at boundaries.

Anyway, so OK:  this summer there are a few things I would like to do to have circumstantial happiness.  Especially in light of the failed trip to Japan.        Burningman Icon

One of the 4 options below.   I would like to

  1. Go to Burning Man  or the local version element 11   - one is wicked expensive but not till memorial day, the other is in about a month and less expensive.  I know – I don’t drink, I don’t smoke but I just want to dress up in costumes and play around with the other kids.  Husband and Parents do not approve.  Neither would the DOCS, I imagine.
  2. Go to Disney World with family.  MUCH more expensive than either of the other options. Never will happen.
  3. Go to Mexico with the famfam.  (they have a condo – we go often – they are trying for next memorial day – before Labor day we go to Granby Co. so my husband can fish.  Yes, he deserves happiness, I agree.)
  4. Go die.

So…  my NEW IDEA is that if I do as my Doc originally suggested and take more Trileptal and DRINK MORE WATER  - this, THIS could finally work!   Hyponatremia is a GOOD IDEA!

(I don’t like the “could”  in there… never mind, just keep drinking water and stop eating protein.  SIMPLE! )

Such a good idea, I’ve already started on it.  I took an extra 600 mlgs with lots of water a bit ago and then a little 300 mlgs with more water after.  I’m a bit dizzy but OK so far so good!

Wish me luck!!  Thanks

Peace Out.

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Day 13 – Reaping

Chameleon Tree Frog

Looks like Disney’s “Tangled” hero “Pascal”. However Pascal was a TRUE Chameleon, not half and half like this guy. Still cool though i LOVE reptiles. This will make more sense later as you read on…

Hi.  Day 13.  D Day.   That D” is for rocket… I mean doctor.  Yep .  I think I will just leave in the weird way I get the names wrong etc and half quotes and missing dots on  … um Eglish word not a contraction (no babies here – I’m as sterile as my doctor’s office) ummm you know, words like  etcetera but small (hang on) Going to take morning pills.  BRB

No!  BRB is an acronym.  WHAT IS it?? little words from big words- usually have dot at end… OK taking morning meds now!

{B note – contact cellist today}

( Fan Pop Quiz- Which Melanie were Baby and Geri referring to???  )

OK all morning meds.  1 Gummy bear Digestive advantage (berry colored.  my fave) Zenpep (for a gift from Abilify ; pacreatitis) Women’s Vitamin  (“Because she’s Wellard” ~Baby and Geri in the filming of video “Say You’ll be There”) 

Ye Ole Yule Log

Makes you think about about Christmas? Well at least it’s warming up in Paris now….

Alright so I lttok some random pills therer and am now talking a clnazepam and 1/2 or 300 mlg of Trileptal better known as Oxcarbezapine.  taking now….glug glug glug.  Kids.  ALways take your pills with WATER!  hmm.  ABBREVIATIONS!!!  See!  The pills work!!! That’s it.  That was what I was asking you about up there in the second paragraph.  Those things & typos, you name it.  I’m leaving them in to prove I’m a HUMAN!  Google can sort out all this rubbish so, I trust you to sort it out too.  

 {click above for the appropriate background sound} So yes. Today I see my Psychiatrist….. WHAT NO PICTURES!  All decent (well mine’s indecent) but basically ALL blogs need {frogs?  logs?  chameleon frogs on logs?  yule logs? Yorkshire fogs? }  OK.  Up go the pics.  BRB again.  See how easy??  Now you didn’t get it  [now you do!]

K so I’m telling the doctor that these are my symptoms from either Latuda, Welbutrin or Grief over my Aunt passing away.  He’ll say that I don’t have a “Theraputic dose yet and he’ll tell me to start taking  Welbutrin in the morning.  Bye Bye Life.  Bye Bye Happiness.  Hello Loneliness.  I think I’m gonna di-ie.  These are from Day 10 + a few more

  1. Brain cloud and mixed up brain ( I shouldn’t use the term “dyslexic” unless I really AM.  It’s racisyt and rude.
  2. Slow and tired.
  3. “Stress headaches”  instead of migraines. ( Don’t waste migraine meds on stress headaches- they dont work.  Take clonazepam and put Lavender and Past Tense and Elevation on your temples, under ears, on forehead and lavender on the bottom of your feet.  It works!   Here is my website so that you can purchase these essential oils if you want to  :) 
  4. Hot.  A Lot.
  5. Shorter fuse for crying.  A lot.
  6. Dry Mouth
  7. Tinnitus almost gone
  8. Disoriented and confused which is disorienting and confusing to those who say … read this blog perhaps?
  9. Insecure ( I don’t want to be alone ever.  I need to be “babysat” ) But I performed on the violin in public just fine.  Not nervous knock on wood.  My doctor asked about 10 people because he didn’t believe me.  They said it was gorgeous. So there Doc :P
  10. Angry – it’s back.  I’m pissed.
  11. Suicidal.  Found myself browsing the suicide sites online last night.  WHAT?
  12. Gain Weight.  Ugh.  Not much but I know from experience where it is heading.
  13. Getting older.  Nope, can’t blame meds for that .
  14. Not looking forward to anything.
  15. Sad.

『S.A.D.  I never dropped you Stacey, you put acid in my beer along with the lemons – coronas?  Stopped on a bridge to do it. Listened to King Crimson. Ring a bell? Then you dropped me off and left me at some strange house in Haight Ashbury.   When I  snapped out of it the next day, you were no where to be found.

Haight Ashbury in the early 90's

The Red Vic Inn is S.F. California

I finally realized that I had money in the bank and that there was a proper ATM across the street.  I just walked out of the house, across the street and used my ATM card to rent the “Japanese Tea Garden Room” at the Red Victorian B&B   where we had been staying.  Remember Sami Sunchild?  The Butterfly room.  Then I packed it all up one day and you brought home more stuff so we had to get a second room.

Yorkshire Fog Holcus lanatus  Féar an chinn bháin  Family: Poaceae

Yorkshire Fog Holcus lanatus
Féar an chinn bháin
Family: Poaceae

Anyway, I used my own $ and bought a plane ticket home, called your hubby to tell him my estimate on how much money you had spent so far (20 to 50 thousand buckaroos on his American Express) and then to tell him that I was sorry but in no way could I get you to go home.  You see,  he sent me to SF  in the first place to try to find you and bring you home but you were … just very manic.  And, well… you disappeared.  You dumped me.

The last I heard, you were fleeing the police in a second rented or stolen vehicle [a van] and ran out of gas in the middle of the desert.  You got caught.  The van was full of all of the stuff you had purchased, all the clothing, jewelry, art etc. On his card.

In retrospect I did like that purple lace present you gave me though.  I wore it at Burning Man in 2000.  Thanks.   No hard feelings Stace.  Seriously.  あなたは大好きです』






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Our dark sides can show us much about ourselves if we are brave enough to face them

Day 10.  Already.


Joe – he has a “Brain Cloud”

Here are my numerous effects

  1. Brain cloud and dyslexic type actions
  2. Slow… tired
  3. Stress Headache today – a very different beast from my regular migraines
  4. Hot.  A lot.
  5. Shorter fuse when it comes to crying (grief related?)
  6. Dry Mouth
  7. The-Shadow-KnowsTinnitus is less acute (was never really cute to begin with…).
  8. Sometime Disoriented and Unfocused.  Husband says I snap out of it quickly though.

So, I need to go perform again in 3 hours.  Hate nylons.  Hate Paul Green shoes.  Hate the whole makeup and hair routine.  Could these also side effects?  Only the shadow knows.






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